I received this sad message, and it is not uncommon:
My husband has been quite ill recently. He was diagnosed with prostate cancer and had an operation in January. He
then had an infection whilst on holiday and spent two weeks in hospital. When we came home he got another
infection. He fell because of he was so weak with the infection and is now in the local Hospital. He is so weak he
just lies in bed unresposively most of the time. I spoke to his consultant who said I was right to be worried about him
because the antibiotics weren't working. He hasn't been eating or drinking much at all. He has lost loads of weight
and is very weak and dehydrated. They have now put him on a drip for the dehydration and have given him the
meal replacement drinks to boost him up. It is so sad to see him like this. I spend most of the day beside his bed
but sometimes he doesn't even know I am there. Say some prayers for him, please, Rabbi.
Rabbi Jonathan responded:
It is so sad to hear this news, and it is hard to be much help from afar, but, though we never give up
hope, we also need to be realistic, and I am going to say a few things about dying which I hope may
help - I hope that is OK. I visited someone in hospital today in a similar position. I was able to discuss
with her and her daughters the option that Victoria (but none of the other parts of Australia) now have,
of assisted dying (at least for the terminally ill). Not that she should use it, but that it gives her control
of her destiny, when she is losing her dignity and is in continual pain and discomfortt and anxiety. In
my Yom Kippur Yizkor memorial service sermon, I talked about the fact that God does not take life, but
gives us all (and every thing in the universe) finite life. At some point, each of us has had enough,
and it sounds as if perhaps Lawrence is reaching that point. Only God is eternal.
On Monday I did a funeral and prayers for a lovely woman of 93 - she was losing her sight and fearful of
going completely blind. Her motto was 'Be lucky in life: be lucky in death.' She had a massive stroke -
her husband found her in the shower, fallen against the door. He could not get in, but the ambulance
came quickly and used a ladder to get inside, to move her and to open the door. She was still alive but
not conscious, and they took her to hospital, where the husband of 70 years as well as her children and grand-
children gathered round. She died 24 hours later without regaining consciousness. We used to think
that the way my wife's mother died, asleep in her own bed, looking forward to seeing her new grandson
the next day, was almost ideal, except that it came as a shock to her loved ones. In that regard this
was even 'better', since the stroke was instant and she was not in pain (they said her face would show
it if she was), but the family had that 24 hours to gather and supoport each other, kiss her and hold her
hand and say goodbye.
So my prayer would be that your loved-one not be in physical pain or mental anguish - that you and the
family support him and each other, acknowledge all the love and care he has given and the wonderful
things he has achieved over the years, and let him go gently when he is ready and has had enough,
secure in the knowledge that he will be loved and remembered, that his influence will live on in many
ways - that the world is a significantly better place than it would have been, had he not been born into
it (and that yiou, especially, have had such wonderful years of love, friendship and companionship).
Please send him this blessing:
Y'varechecha Adonai v'yishmareicha - May God bless you, and keep you
Ya'eir Adonai panav eleicha viy-khuneka - May God shine upon you and be gracious to you
Yisa Adonai panav eleicha, v'yasem l'cha shalom - May God's face be lifted up to you, and give you peace.
Finally, and consonant with what I said above, that God does not take life, and that the soul returns to
'the shelter of God's wing', when the time comes, ask the person leading the funeral to use Rabbi Frank
Hellner's beautiful, interpretive translation:
Adonai natan vAdonai lakach, y'hi shem Adonai m'vorach - God has given, and now God has received
back - may God's name be blessed.
