23 Questions About Funerals and Mourning Practices

23 QUESTIONS TO PUT TO THE RABBI RE CONDUCTING PROGRESSIVE

FUNERAL SERVICES IN A CONGREGATION WITHOUT THEIR OWN RABBI

1.     Q: Which book do you recommend?

A: The ‘Tzidduk Ha-Din’ Funeral Service from Liberal Judaism (UK) which you’ll find at and can order from http://www.liberaljudaism.org/written-word-resources/shop.html

2.     Q: How long is a typical service?

A: I find the service getting shorter and the eulogies longer!  I would say a total of 30-40 minutes depending on how long the eulogy is.

3.     Q: Can the service be conducted any place appropriate the family request or are there limitations on this?  For example, what if the family wants the funeral at the football ground of their favourite team?  (Or ashes scattered there if cremation?)  A: I would say only synagogue or funeral chapel (if non-Jewish symbols are covered over or removed) or graveside.

4.     Q: Is the rending of garments (or a ribbon) always done?

A: No – I never do this, but if people ask, I explain about it and that they can if they wish to – some colleagues apparently offer it if the families want.  It symbolises renting of the heart on hearing of the loss – so if it is not done at that point it loses it’s immediacy.  Traditions of pinning a ribbon and cutting that seem too remote from the original symbolism.  But destroying clothing is also contrary to the law of ‘Bal Tashkhit’ – do not destroy.  Maimoinides said even if someone wishes to be buried in their favourite coat, they should not, since it is a waste of a garment that can be used by someone else.  

5.  Q: Is this always done before the start of the service? 

A: If it is done, it should be at some point before the service – if someone chooses it, I would do it when I’m meeting with them, or tell them to do it right away.  Again, waiting for the ceremony makes it seem very artificial and distant to me.  They are upset enough at the funeral with the actual burial anyway, without this extra ‘symbolism’ which also delays the proceedings. 

6.  Q: What if there are no family members present?  

A: Certainly no point in rending in that case.

7.  Q: Does progressive practice worry about where the rending is done according to which family member?

A: Not at all except as described above.

8.     Q: What, if any, limitations apply to the participation of non Jewish spouses and/or other non Jewish members of the family? E.g. is rending of garments done for them?

A: If their heart is equally torn, their clothing should be equally torn if they choose.  But the purpose of the funeral traditions, apart from dealing respectfully with the deceased, is to assist and support the bereaved through this painful time.  So in the case of a non-Jewish spouse or family, I suggest most is done in English.  They could lead ‘Psalm 23’ which will be familiar to most people (but a degendered version appropriate to Progressive Judaism – either the one in Tzidduk HaDin or else that found in Mishkan T’filah World Union Edition (page 576, which starts ‘With God as my shepherd, I shall not want’ ), if they wish to participate.  It makes no sense for them to say kaddish (or anything else that talks about the ‘God of Israel’).

9.     Q: At what point in the service is the eulogy read?

A: I usually do it after el maleh rachamim and just before the lowering, unless it is wet and the grave is in danger of collapse, in which case I do that right at the start of the proceedings.

10.  Q: Is it OK to read the eulogy at the minyan if the funeral service happens at the graveside?

A: I would do it at the graveside unless it is quite impossible (I do it under umbrellas etc) but I might well repeat it at the minyan (especially if people could not hear or were distracted by rain etc). 

11.     Q: Is there a limit to the number of people to speak as part of the eulogy?

A: Not technically, but sensibly.  I usually say ‘it is very difficult for family to speak at the graveside, so you give me the background and information, and I’ll put it into a sort of chronological biography’.    I encourage the family to speak at the minyan, which is already a step away from the graveside and the body of their loved one.  There, there is no pressure of time – several people can speak – I suggest someone representing the children, and, if appropriate someone representing the grandchildren – if they are quite young, I suggest ‘they may like to write a poem or an acrostic about grandpa’ etc.  Sometimes a friend or colleague wants to speak – again, with the agreement of the family, I’d say they are speaking ‘representing the friends’ etc.  This prevents it getting out of hand.  But if there is time once the formal reflections are concluded, I might point out how everyone knows a different aspect of a person, and shares different experiences with them, so if anyone else would like to share a thought or anecdote they are welcome to do so.

12.     Q: If the lay leader is to read/prepare the eulogy, what are some tips for getting the right information from the family?

A: I was taught by Rabbi Hugo Gryn – z”l - to listen and record carefully not only the words but the emotions, and when they have finished, to ask specifically for a list of adjectives.  I then put that together - and it still takes me several hours.

13.  Q: What if there is no family? 

A: Very difficult.  Perhaps there is a friend or colleague who’d be prepared to speak or give some input.  I once did a funeral where there was no direct family and the solicitor spoke about the person quite movingly.  If there is no-one there, there is little point in doing a eulogy.   Incidentally, there are times when traditionally a eulogy is not given, mainly during the Omer period (between Pesach and Shavuot).  Since the eulogy is important to the mourners and a mark of respect to the deceased, I would simply acknowledge ‘Traditionally we don’t do a formal eulogy during the Omer period, but  I am going to say a few words about XXXXXXX to honour him/her and to acknowledge his/her contribution, and the loss that his/her family and friends are experiencing’.

14.     Q: What is the policy on inclusion of slides/non religious music/other? 

A: I think slides, videos etc are horrible and out of place at the funeral.  They might be quite appropriate at the minyan, or after it.  Occasionally (eg with an accomplished mountain trekker) I ask the family if they’d like to bring some pictures and mementos for people to look at – this fills out the aspects of a person that they may not have known about them.  Some music that they enjoyed can be appropriate in a chapel setting (eg in a crematorium), before the service starts or even at the end.  I wouldn’t usually stop the service in the middle to play something, though in the case of a four year old who loved Disney’s Aladdin, and about whom there were limited achievements to speak, we played ‘A Whole New World’ during the service and it was very moving and memorable.

15.   Q: What is the UPJ’s policy on funeral services being conducted jointly with a) non Jewish clergy?  b) funeral celebrants? 

A: Very tricky.  I would say don’t do it – and if the need arises, talk to me (or another Rabbi)!  Basically it either is a Jewish burial or it isn’t.  If it is a celebrant or minister conducting a non-denominational or Christian service, and a Jewish friend or relative wants to say a few words, or read a prayer, that is a different situation.

16.      Q: Is the graveside service always immediately after the funeral?

A: The funeral is usually the graveside service.  I am not aware of a burial happening ‘alone’ and then a service at the graveside later.  This would seem strange and disrespectful, since the tradition is to accompany the deceased to their final resting place (and to participate in the burial).

17.   Q: How long is a typical graveside service?  What is normally included in this service?

A: See above – not sure what a graveside service is except a burial, unless you are referring to the consecration?  This usually happens at the graveside about a year after the funeral, when the stone is in place and the ground has settled, and family and friends gather to read the stone, remember the person, and say some psalms and kaddish.

18.      Q: Does the family determine if there is to be a minyan as well as a funeral?

A: Yes, it is up to the family. 

19.    Q: Is the minyan always done on the evening of the funeral? 

A: It should be offered to mourners vas part of their mourning process.  Traditionally it is done on that evening and the subsequent five, except Friday night (when the bereaved is ‘allowed’ to leave home to go to the synagogue service).  Theoretically the arrival of a festival cancels the remainder of the week long ‘shiva’ process.  However within our movement, it is unusual to have more than one night, although occasionally I suggest, if people want to have more than one, or if there are two parts of the family that both want to hold a minyan, then the first night and the sixth might be best – as the sixth marks the end of the first week, the most intense period of mourning.  This idea seems to have worked well, and been usefully therapeutic as the family realises they have already moved on during that week. 

20.  Q: What if the burial is on Friday?

A: If the burial is on Friday, then the minyan is NOT done that evening – it ‘should’ be done on the first opportunity after Shabbat finishes, ie after dark on Saturday, but often people put it off to Sunday evening. 

21.    Q: Is the minyan always announced at the funeral?

A: It is usual to announce the minyan at the end of the funeral – in fact I usually conclude my eulogy with it, to make sure it is not forgotten and I have the details written down, and then complete the service and remind people about it again.

22.    Q: Although not a normal Jewish funeral, if the family indicate that they/the deceased desire/d a cremation, where and when is the service done that would normally be done at the graveside?

A: I use exactly the same liturgy/service.  The service is done in the chapel.  The committal is done where the coffin would normally be lowered into the grave.  There is no graveside so no service is done there.  The consecration of a small stone or rose bush etc is done once the family has received the ashes, up to about a year after, so this is equivalent to the consecration of the gravestone.

23.      Q: Would Progressive Judaism encourage cremation?

A: The traditional reason not to cremate is because of a belief that the body is built on the ‘luz’, probably the coccyx at the base of the spine, and if this is destroyed, the body cannot be revived.  Since Progressive Judaism rejects any idea of physical resurrection – and since in any case if God can do anything, that can include making a person from nothing (or a seed!), we do not find that argument relevant or convincing.  Our belief is that the soul returns to ‘the shelter of God’s wing’.  However, given that cremation was used to dispose of millions of our people during the Holocaust – and especially given that some of the leading incinerators today are built by the German conglomerate Krups, who refined their efficiency on Jewish victims, it may seem a stronger reason not to choose cremation (though some Holocaust survivors do chose to be cremated, perhaps so that they end their days in the way that family and friends did?).  

There is one other practical argument against cremation – it is environmentally unsound – not only does it use a lot of fuel but it also produces CO2 and some pollution.  Where available, a woodland cemetery is the best solution for modern burial!