Can a Jew be buried in a non-Jewish graveyard? Or a non-Jew in a Jewish one?

Dear Rabbi,

Can a Jew be buried next to their Jewish partner in a non-Jewish cemetery or does it need to be in a consecrated Jewish cemetery?  And similarly, can a non-Jewish partner be buried in a Jewish cemetery?  Can a Rabbi or Jewish leader lead a service for a non-Jew? And what can the Jew do about a funeral service, prayers, and can they say Kaddish for their non-Jewish loved one?

With best wishes.

Thanks for your enquiry about burial outside of a consecrated Jewish cemetery.

We feel that in these sad circumstances, we should be ready and willing to assist.  The person leading the service should simply acknowledge that by holding this service, we are consecrating this plot forever as a Jewish burial site which will be marked in due course by the symbol (Magen-David or Menorah) on the stone.

It might be useful to know that our main cemetery here in Melbourne Australia is not a Jewish-only cemetery (even the Jewish sections of it).  It is municipal, and as such anyone can be buried anywhere in it. In the reverse situation, which you also ask about, there are without doubt Jews non-Jews and Jews buried together (and even a few stones marked with crosses!) and in fact in particular circumstances – for example where a non-Jewish partner has never formally converted but has always been present and supportive to the community and has requested a ‘Jewish-style’ burial, my colleagues and I have on occasion led the ceremony. One was a non-Jewish father who was a regular attender and supporter, especially as his children were preparing for Bar/bat Mitzvah.  I supported and visited him in hospital and when he wanted to talk about death and asked me if I would do the ceremony and support his family, I was not prepared to say no, and indeed saw it as an honour and a mitzvah.  This non-Jew had seen and recognised the beauty and value, the power and meaning of our tradition from close-up, and celebrated and internalised it with his family.  These are real situations that we live with in the modern world!  And I would not worry about 'what the orthodox say' - people in need, and anyone with sensitivity and compassion, will applaud and understand it.  And the orthodox Rabbis also conduct burials at Springvale, even with non-Jews in the next grave!

When it comes to the funeral, and discussion of shiva, minyan, saying Kaddish etc, I would say that we must make it quite clear that the person was not Jewish.  However the partner or family are.  We are doing what we can, not only to satisfy the request of the deceased, but also to support the family through this difficult period.  So I would not call it a minyan, but if they wish to hold a gathering in the evening(s), we should never discourage Jews from praying together - and talking about their loved ones.  Non-Jews may certainly say Kaddish for their loved ones, for which it is traditional for the community (a minyan) to gather round. The mourning process for Jews consists of the deepest loss, immediately after death until burial (as soon as possible), then the first week (shiva), then the rest of the first month (sh'loshim), and then the rest of the year at which time they may wish to light a memorial candle (yahrzeit) - and at that time each year, to keep alive the memory and discussion about their loved one. By the time of the first yahrzeit, it is hoped that live has returned to a new 'normal', where the loved one is in the heart and thoughts and memories though no longer in the physical presence of the family.  

I do hope that is of assistance.   

Rabbi Jonathan

What liturgy to use for a funeral

Question:What liturgy should we use for a funeral?

RESPONSE:
The British Liberal Movement publish a very nice, hard-back book called 'Tzidduk Ha-din - Funeral Service and Service for the Consecration of a Memorial'.
It is appropriate, sensitive and clear - it is fully degendered, and is very reasonably priced. The only issue may be that, whilst it is in Hebrew (and the Mourner's Kaddish in the traditional Aramaic) and English, it does not include transliteration.  I suggest a community orders at least two copies (in Australia we don't usually give orders of service to the gathering at a funeral), probably for practical reasons.
The ‘Tzidduk Ha-Din’ Funeral Service from Liberal Judaism (UK) can be found at http://www.liberaljudaism.org/written-word-resources/shop.html.  If the website won't let you order it, contact their office direct: books@liberaljudaism.org.  

I think using a  book suits the dignity of the occasion, and A4-sized booklets, loose sheets and photocopies do not, especially since people will be standing around and see it, and the person leading the service may be struggling with the weather and without a reading desk.  A hard cover book can be held in one hand.

A practical suggestion for the eulogy.  Make sure the person's hebrew name is clearly at the top.  Fold the eulogy and insert in the right page (between page 16 and 17) and close page 15 on to it.  Slide it 1 cm out from the page at the top - and write the hebrew name along the exposed 1 cm as well.  This way, you will have the name visible when you need it on page 15 (if a man) or page 16 (if a woman).

Page numbers refer to this publication.


Question:What are the essential prayers that must be said?

RESPONSE:
I would say that the absolute minimum are:

1) 'El Maleh Rachamim' (page 15 or 16), 

2) the words at the top of page 18:
In humble submission to God's will (you'll need the full English name here)...

3) Adonai natan vadonai lakach... BUT I translate it as 'God has given, and NOW GOD HAS RECEIVED BACK; may God's name be praised'

4) May s/he come to her/his FINAL rest in peace

5) One of the readings on page 20

6) Kaddish on page 21 (Note that this version adds 'V'al kol bnai Adam - and to all humanity' to the last words of the kaddish).


However, I'd add one of the readings that is appropriate, p.4-8, and the opening prayer on page 9, and perhaps top of page 12, and perhaps top of page 13 (though don't say 'saying together' at the end of that paragraph since they won't be - say 'as we say'...

You could do 'Atah gibor, page 13, not least because it will be more familiar hebrew as it is in the T'filah - except watch out - it does not have the concluding blessing!

If you wish to do 'You are righteous' at the top of page 13, you could go straight from 'Even in our sorrow, we praise your name, saying Atah Gibor l'olam Adonai... (and miss out Baruch Dayan HaEmet - which is theologically problematic - we don't really believe that God judges us and takes our lives, which is the implication here!).

Psalm 23 or 121 are traditional funeral psalms - one or other could be used.


Question: When is the best time in the order of the service to deliver the Chesped (eulogy)?

RESPONSE
The Chesped fits well immediately after El Maleh Rachamim, before page 17.

 Question: If we are going to have the service in the chapel at the cemetery, what is a good point to stop for the procession to the graveside?

RESPONSE:
If you are going to move, then do that after the Chesped.  Psalm 23 on page 17 can be read as the coffin is accompanied to the grave, which is traditional, and much better than people chattering!

You can read at the bottom of page 17 as you are preparing to lower the coffin.
LOWER THE COFFIN whilst reading top of page 18 (or read it after lowered).

There is a logistical challenge at this point - if the weather is bad or there are few mourners, they won't get the grave filled - so when do you stop to say kaddish?

What I do is invite the family to commence the burial with the sand from Israel.  I tip some from the bag into each of their hands, and they throw it on. Having therefore commenced the burial, we then invite them to say the Mourners' Kaddish (and the gathering to 'support them' in saying it) - 

Then say the formula at the bottom of page 22 (this is a 'universal' version - the traditional one concludes with 'Av'lei Yerushalayim')

Then ask them to put the earth on the coffin, followed by everyone else who wishes to assist. I explain that the tradition is to put on three shovelfulls - and then to place the shovel back in the earth, where the next person can take it - our tradition is not to pass it directly to the next person.

As long as the coffin is covered, we can then reassure people that, once we move away, the staff will come to complete the burial.

After an appropriate time, it is important to gently move the family away from the graveside, particularly if they are very emotional. This is the beginning of moving away from the physical presence of their loved one and on into their new reality.

Question:  What is different if if it is  cremation?

RESPONSE: 
You don't put earth on the coffin!  Everything else is the same - push the button or otherwise arrange the curtain or whatever device is used at the top of page 18, where you would be lowering the coffin into the grave.  Again, at the conclusion, move the family out and away from the coffin as soon as comfortable.  As with burial, this is the beginning of moving away from the physical presence of their loved one and on into their new reality.