Can a Jew be buried in a non-Jewish graveyard? Or a non-Jew in a Jewish one?

Dear Rabbi,

Can a Jew be buried next to their Jewish partner in a non-Jewish cemetery or does it need to be in a consecrated Jewish cemetery?  And similarly, can a non-Jewish partner be buried in a Jewish cemetery?  Can a Rabbi or Jewish leader lead a service for a non-Jew? And what can the Jew do about a funeral service, prayers, and can they say Kaddish for their non-Jewish loved one?

With best wishes.

Thanks for your enquiry about burial outside of a consecrated Jewish cemetery.

We feel that in these sad circumstances, we should be ready and willing to assist.  The person leading the service should simply acknowledge that by holding this service, we are consecrating this plot forever as a Jewish burial site which will be marked in due course by the symbol (Magen-David or Menorah) on the stone.

It might be useful to know that our main cemetery here in Melbourne Australia is not a Jewish-only cemetery (even the Jewish sections of it).  It is municipal, and as such anyone can be buried anywhere in it. In the reverse situation, which you also ask about, there are without doubt Jews non-Jews and Jews buried together (and even a few stones marked with crosses!) and in fact in particular circumstances – for example where a non-Jewish partner has never formally converted but has always been present and supportive to the community and has requested a ‘Jewish-style’ burial, my colleagues and I have on occasion led the ceremony. One was a non-Jewish father who was a regular attender and supporter, especially as his children were preparing for Bar/bat Mitzvah.  I supported and visited him in hospital and when he wanted to talk about death and asked me if I would do the ceremony and support his family, I was not prepared to say no, and indeed saw it as an honour and a mitzvah.  This non-Jew had seen and recognised the beauty and value, the power and meaning of our tradition from close-up, and celebrated and internalised it with his family.  These are real situations that we live with in the modern world!  And I would not worry about 'what the orthodox say' - people in need, and anyone with sensitivity and compassion, will applaud and understand it.  And the orthodox Rabbis also conduct burials at Springvale, even with non-Jews in the next grave!

When it comes to the funeral, and discussion of shiva, minyan, saying Kaddish etc, I would say that we must make it quite clear that the person was not Jewish.  However the partner or family are.  We are doing what we can, not only to satisfy the request of the deceased, but also to support the family through this difficult period.  So I would not call it a minyan, but if they wish to hold a gathering in the evening(s), we should never discourage Jews from praying together - and talking about their loved ones.  Non-Jews may certainly say Kaddish for their loved ones, for which it is traditional for the community (a minyan) to gather round. The mourning process for Jews consists of the deepest loss, immediately after death until burial (as soon as possible), then the first week (shiva), then the rest of the first month (sh'loshim), and then the rest of the year at which time they may wish to light a memorial candle (yahrzeit) - and at that time each year, to keep alive the memory and discussion about their loved one. By the time of the first yahrzeit, it is hoped that live has returned to a new 'normal', where the loved one is in the heart and thoughts and memories though no longer in the physical presence of the family.  

I do hope that is of assistance.   

Rabbi Jonathan

What is the Jewish model for mourning?

THE JEWISH MOURNING PROCESS DIAGRAM

This diagram illustrates the Jewish mourning process.  The black cylinder represents the abyss of loss between the death and the funeral.

Returning from the funeral and lighting the shiva candle, which burns for a week, is the first small step away from the loss. The first week is the most intense and it is traditional to avoid regular concerns such as work, shopping etc.  Others should visit and look after the bereaved.

The next stage of mourning is the remainder of the shloshim, the first thirty days or month from the death.  This is a further step away from the first intensity of your loss.

The final formal stage is the remainder of the year, towards the end of which the stone is traditionally consecrated.  At the end of the first year, the yahrzeit candle is lit.

After this, you are of course not expected to forget or stop missing your loved one.  However it does mark the last step back into normal life, albeit a new normality with the memories of your loved one rather than their physical presence.  

Each year, lighting the yahrzeit candle brings the anniversary of their death, and the warmth and blessing of their life, back to mind for the family.

(C) Rabbi Jonathan Keren-Black

Bet Olam Jewish funerals, Melbourne, Australia 2012/5773

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