What is the Jewish model for mourning?

THE JEWISH MOURNING PROCESS DIAGRAM

This diagram illustrates the Jewish mourning process.  The black cylinder represents the abyss of loss between the death and the funeral.

Returning from the funeral and lighting the shiva candle, which burns for a week, is the first small step away from the loss. The first week is the most intense and it is traditional to avoid regular concerns such as work, shopping etc.  Others should visit and look after the bereaved.

The next stage of mourning is the remainder of the shloshim, the first thirty days or month from the death.  This is a further step away from the first intensity of your loss.

The final formal stage is the remainder of the year, towards the end of which the stone is traditionally consecrated.  At the end of the first year, the yahrzeit candle is lit.

After this, you are of course not expected to forget or stop missing your loved one.  However it does mark the last step back into normal life, albeit a new normality with the memories of your loved one rather than their physical presence.  

Each year, lighting the yahrzeit candle brings the anniversary of their death, and the warmth and blessing of their life, back to mind for the family.

(C) Rabbi Jonathan Keren-Black

Bet Olam Jewish funerals, Melbourne, Australia 2012/5773

Please feel free to pass on or reproduce with attribution only

What liturgy to use for a funeral

Question:What liturgy should we use for a funeral?

RESPONSE:
The British Liberal Movement publish a very nice, hard-back book called 'Tzidduk Ha-din - Funeral Service and Service for the Consecration of a Memorial'.
It is appropriate, sensitive and clear - it is fully degendered, and is very reasonably priced. The only issue may be that, whilst it is in Hebrew (and the Mourner's Kaddish in the traditional Aramaic) and English, it does not include transliteration.  I suggest a community orders at least two copies (in Australia we don't usually give orders of service to the gathering at a funeral), probably for practical reasons.
The ‘Tzidduk Ha-Din’ Funeral Service from Liberal Judaism (UK) can be found at http://www.liberaljudaism.org/written-word-resources/shop.html.  If the website won't let you order it, contact their office direct: books@liberaljudaism.org.  

I think using a  book suits the dignity of the occasion, and A4-sized booklets, loose sheets and photocopies do not, especially since people will be standing around and see it, and the person leading the service may be struggling with the weather and without a reading desk.  A hard cover book can be held in one hand.

A practical suggestion for the eulogy.  Make sure the person's hebrew name is clearly at the top.  Fold the eulogy and insert in the right page (between page 16 and 17) and close page 15 on to it.  Slide it 1 cm out from the page at the top - and write the hebrew name along the exposed 1 cm as well.  This way, you will have the name visible when you need it on page 15 (if a man) or page 16 (if a woman).

Page numbers refer to this publication.


Question:What are the essential prayers that must be said?

RESPONSE:
I would say that the absolute minimum are:

1) 'El Maleh Rachamim' (page 15 or 16), 

2) the words at the top of page 18:
In humble submission to God's will (you'll need the full English name here)...

3) Adonai natan vadonai lakach... BUT I translate it as 'God has given, and NOW GOD HAS RECEIVED BACK; may God's name be praised'

4) May s/he come to her/his FINAL rest in peace

5) One of the readings on page 20

6) Kaddish on page 21 (Note that this version adds 'V'al kol bnai Adam - and to all humanity' to the last words of the kaddish).


However, I'd add one of the readings that is appropriate, p.4-8, and the opening prayer on page 9, and perhaps top of page 12, and perhaps top of page 13 (though don't say 'saying together' at the end of that paragraph since they won't be - say 'as we say'...

You could do 'Atah gibor, page 13, not least because it will be more familiar hebrew as it is in the T'filah - except watch out - it does not have the concluding blessing!

If you wish to do 'You are righteous' at the top of page 13, you could go straight from 'Even in our sorrow, we praise your name, saying Atah Gibor l'olam Adonai... (and miss out Baruch Dayan HaEmet - which is theologically problematic - we don't really believe that God judges us and takes our lives, which is the implication here!).

Psalm 23 or 121 are traditional funeral psalms - one or other could be used.


Question: When is the best time in the order of the service to deliver the Chesped (eulogy)?

RESPONSE
The Chesped fits well immediately after El Maleh Rachamim, before page 17.

 Question: If we are going to have the service in the chapel at the cemetery, what is a good point to stop for the procession to the graveside?

RESPONSE:
If you are going to move, then do that after the Chesped.  Psalm 23 on page 17 can be read as the coffin is accompanied to the grave, which is traditional, and much better than people chattering!

You can read at the bottom of page 17 as you are preparing to lower the coffin.
LOWER THE COFFIN whilst reading top of page 18 (or read it after lowered).

There is a logistical challenge at this point - if the weather is bad or there are few mourners, they won't get the grave filled - so when do you stop to say kaddish?

What I do is invite the family to commence the burial with the sand from Israel.  I tip some from the bag into each of their hands, and they throw it on. Having therefore commenced the burial, we then invite them to say the Mourners' Kaddish (and the gathering to 'support them' in saying it) - 

Then say the formula at the bottom of page 22 (this is a 'universal' version - the traditional one concludes with 'Av'lei Yerushalayim')

Then ask them to put the earth on the coffin, followed by everyone else who wishes to assist. I explain that the tradition is to put on three shovelfulls - and then to place the shovel back in the earth, where the next person can take it - our tradition is not to pass it directly to the next person.

As long as the coffin is covered, we can then reassure people that, once we move away, the staff will come to complete the burial.

After an appropriate time, it is important to gently move the family away from the graveside, particularly if they are very emotional. This is the beginning of moving away from the physical presence of their loved one and on into their new reality.

Question:  What is different if if it is  cremation?

RESPONSE: 
You don't put earth on the coffin!  Everything else is the same - push the button or otherwise arrange the curtain or whatever device is used at the top of page 18, where you would be lowering the coffin into the grave.  Again, at the conclusion, move the family out and away from the coffin as soon as comfortable.  As with burial, this is the beginning of moving away from the physical presence of their loved one and on into their new reality.