Can we involve someone who is not Jewish in a service, and if so to what extent?

We know that traditionally, ,and even among Australian Progressive Jews, non-Jews weren't called up to the Torah, but I believe there may have been some rethinking happening on this score. We'd be very grateful if you could advise on current policy. It seems strange to us to be calling up someone who isn't Jewish, but on the other hand we can appreciate it's uncomfortable for the family when people (such as a parent) are left out.


Rabbi Jonathan answers

You are right that we don't do 'call-ups' for non-Jews.  It doesn't make 'Jewish sense' (we invite anyone male to cover their heads out of respect the tradition of the synagogue, but we don't invite them to wear a tallit, representing the commandments, or open the ark, or take out or carry or elevate the Torah, since Torah represents the Jewish framework of life).  However, we also don't ignore the non-Jewish parts of the family.  

The way we deal with this situation in communities I have worked in is to call up the Jewish partner by their Jewish name, and the non-Jewish 'in English' - eg: 'and with her we ask Andrew to join us' - i.e. the non-Jew is an 'adjunct' to a traditional call-up.  At the Leo Baeck Centre the Jewish person comes to the right of the bimah, from where the blessings are always read.  The non-Jew goes to the left of the bimah.  After the call-up, the Jewish person goes to the other side (left) for Mi Shebeirach (the next call up, if there is one, comes to the right side).  This means that, after the blessings, the Jewish person has gone to the left side of the bimah and met up with the non-Jewish one, at which point they can be given an appropriate blessing/words together.  Note that there is a prayer about Torah for non-Jews (if they have some spiritual belief as it is addressed to 'Holy one of Blessing') in our prayer book - middle of page  369 of Mishkan T'filah World Union Edition.  This is more or less a composite of the blessings before and after the Torah reading, but is about 'the Jewish people', not 'us'.  If this is to be used, it would be read by the non-Jewish person once joined by the Jewish one and before their Mi Shebeirach.

Of course if the non-Jew is estranged from the partner, or has no direct connections (eg is a friend), they will need to come up with someone else Jewish who is called up in the usual sense.  But unless there is good reason to have the non-Jew involved with the Torah service (ie they are a parent of a BM or parent or close sibling of a person about to be married), I would advise not to do it. Give them something else to do - eg read one of the prayers 'For our Country' on page 376 of Mishkan T'filah World Union Edition.

Rabbi Jonathan

Can a Jew be buried in a non-Jewish graveyard? Or a non-Jew in a Jewish one?

Dear Rabbi,

Can a Jew be buried next to their Jewish partner in a non-Jewish cemetery or does it need to be in a consecrated Jewish cemetery?  And similarly, can a non-Jewish partner be buried in a Jewish cemetery?  Can a Rabbi or Jewish leader lead a service for a non-Jew? And what can the Jew do about a funeral service, prayers, and can they say Kaddish for their non-Jewish loved one?

With best wishes.

Thanks for your enquiry about burial outside of a consecrated Jewish cemetery.

We feel that in these sad circumstances, we should be ready and willing to assist.  The person leading the service should simply acknowledge that by holding this service, we are consecrating this plot forever as a Jewish burial site which will be marked in due course by the symbol (Magen-David or Menorah) on the stone.

It might be useful to know that our main cemetery here in Melbourne Australia is not a Jewish-only cemetery (even the Jewish sections of it).  It is municipal, and as such anyone can be buried anywhere in it. In the reverse situation, which you also ask about, there are without doubt Jews non-Jews and Jews buried together (and even a few stones marked with crosses!) and in fact in particular circumstances – for example where a non-Jewish partner has never formally converted but has always been present and supportive to the community and has requested a ‘Jewish-style’ burial, my colleagues and I have on occasion led the ceremony. One was a non-Jewish father who was a regular attender and supporter, especially as his children were preparing for Bar/bat Mitzvah.  I supported and visited him in hospital and when he wanted to talk about death and asked me if I would do the ceremony and support his family, I was not prepared to say no, and indeed saw it as an honour and a mitzvah.  This non-Jew had seen and recognised the beauty and value, the power and meaning of our tradition from close-up, and celebrated and internalised it with his family.  These are real situations that we live with in the modern world!  And I would not worry about 'what the orthodox say' - people in need, and anyone with sensitivity and compassion, will applaud and understand it.  And the orthodox Rabbis also conduct burials at Springvale, even with non-Jews in the next grave!

When it comes to the funeral, and discussion of shiva, minyan, saying Kaddish etc, I would say that we must make it quite clear that the person was not Jewish.  However the partner or family are.  We are doing what we can, not only to satisfy the request of the deceased, but also to support the family through this difficult period.  So I would not call it a minyan, but if they wish to hold a gathering in the evening(s), we should never discourage Jews from praying together - and talking about their loved ones.  Non-Jews may certainly say Kaddish for their loved ones, for which it is traditional for the community (a minyan) to gather round. The mourning process for Jews consists of the deepest loss, immediately after death until burial (as soon as possible), then the first week (shiva), then the rest of the first month (sh'loshim), and then the rest of the year at which time they may wish to light a memorial candle (yahrzeit) - and at that time each year, to keep alive the memory and discussion about their loved one. By the time of the first yahrzeit, it is hoped that live has returned to a new 'normal', where the loved one is in the heart and thoughts and memories though no longer in the physical presence of the family.  

I do hope that is of assistance.   

Rabbi Jonathan

Why are our Torah portions occasionally different from the orthodox?

 Dear Rabbi,

I have long been confused as to why, on some Shabbatot, the parsha listed for progressive services differs from that listed by orthodox.  As it happens, Saturday 18th April which is when John and I next lead services, is one of those.  According to the progressive listing I have (http://news.reformjudaism.org.uk/torah-readings.html ), the possible parsha readings for that week are from Tazria-M’tzora but the Chabad web site lists that Shabbat as Sh’mini.

Can you explain this mystery for me?  It would be good to know the reasons as we do get congregants who are nominally orthodox coming to our progressive services and we may get asked about this.  I have done some preliminary research and suspect it’s to do with a 3-year cycle of readings as opposed to an annual cycle but I haven’t found anything definitive.

Rabbi Jonathan Keren-Black replies:

If you use an electronic calendar, you can import the Google public calendar ‘PROGRESSIVE JUDAISM CALENDAR WITH SHABBAT AND FESTIVALS’

The answer regarding the Torah readings is straightforward once you get it, but complicated to explain!  In some years, on one or two occasions, the orthodox 'extra day' of festivals intrudes into shabbat whereas ours (and Israel's) do not.  This coming shabbat is an example.  For us (and Israel), Pesach finishes on Friday at sunset, so shabbat is just shabbat.  But for the orthodox outside Israel, you need to remember that originally, over 2000 years ago, the new moon was only announced once it had been sighted - or by default.  A new moon can be one day or the next.  So if it was sighted, and confirmed on the first day, then THAT was the first day of the month.  If it was sighted on the day after - or if it was not sighted, because it was cloudy etc - then THAT was the first day of the month!  Within Israel, it was considered that there was time to sort this out before the festivals occurred (except, perhaps, for Rosh Hashanah, the only one that falls at the start of the month!).  But outside Israel, there was concern that the message might not get through, or there might be a mistake.  Hence they observed both the first day a festival could be - and the second!

As Pesach COULD HAVE started last Friday night OR last Saturday night, this coming Saturday COULD BE the 7th day Pesach (there is no such thing as 8th day, even for the orthodox - they celebrate Seder night - and the first day on the first day that COULD be Pesach - but they know that they may have celebrated a day early (!) - so they celebrate the first day AGAIN the next day - hence second seder is actually the night that would be first seder if the night before turned out to be premature!).

The silly thing is that we have known the exact and correct days for 1800 years (Mar Shmuel in Babylon calculated the dates - including the leap year system that keeps our years in line with the seasons - so accurately that it still works today!).  But - tradition! So the orthodox continue to have to eat matzah for an extra day (though no-one has ever explained why they don't fast for second day Yom Kippur!).

We, like Israel, continue with our weekly Torah readings (in this case Sh'mini) but they have a special reading for (second) last day Pesach! They call it 8th day for simplicity, but if you have followed me, you will see that it is really 7th day (repeated).  It is only 8th day in relation to our 7 days!

So, we are a week ahead for a few weeks.  This also sometimes happens when Shavuot is on Friday (the orthodox then have it on Friday and again on Saturday!).  

The next question is how do they 'catch up' when we are ahead (or ‘how do we slow down’).  Now several times in a regular year we can have double Torah portions (eg Tazria/Metzorah), because there are 'excess' Torah portions, so that there are enough even in a leap year (with an extra month and four extra shabbatot to fill).  And the week after next is the one where the orthodox will be reading Tazria/Metzorah.  So this week we will read Shmini, and the next week (when they read Shmini) we'll be reading Tazria.  The following week, (when they read Tazria/Metzorah) we'll be reading Metzorah - and voila - after that we're back in sync!

I hope that is clearer!

Good luck explaining it!

One other point from this – even though Israel marks 2 days Rosh Hashanah since it falls at the beginning of the month, since we have known the exact day when the month starts for 1800 years, and since ‘Yom T’ruah’ is a day-long festival (not ‘Y’mei T’ruah!), there is no necessity to mark it for 2 days, whether Israel does or not!  So, for those who wish to have a second day (and why not have an extra service – we should have three every day of the year!), it should be called ‘2^nd day Tishrei’ (as we call it), not ‘2^nd day Rosh Hashanah’.

L'shalom

Rabbi Jonathan 

Children, babies and breastfeeding

Small communities are likely to have a wide variety of ages - from babies and young children, young parents, experienced parents all the way through to elderly and frail.  Most communities have a similar variety - but in small communities they are more likely to come along together, because there isn't the luxury or resource of age-specific activities.

This is an issue that came up recently for a group we support, and this is a message that was sent by the organiser to two of the team:

Thanks for listening to people's feelings and views about the children and breastfeeding at services.

I think we are doing well together in handling each issue as it arises for the group.

Rabbi Jonathan doesn't think there is a particular solution - in fact he remembers how he and his brothers were taken to shul each week from the day they were born, no doubt sometimes doing what babies and young children do - yet as they got older, his own parents used to turn and glare at noisy children and their parents!  We all change, and sometimes our memories conveniently forget!

He suggests the best we can do is probably:-

1) talk with the father and say that some older members are finding the children a challenge, and encourage him to bring more things for them to do.

2) We let other people know that we are figuring it out together, and perhaps that we are listening more and are more aware. I got the impression someone wanted to say how she felt, and then concluded that things are changing.....she didn't seem to need an immediate solution.

The question of breastfeeding is one we may have to listen to others about a bit longer. I can tell the mother that some people are uncomfortable with it so maybe think about how she does it, but we need to be careful as we don't want to be considered critical.  I believe she does it to try and 'keep the baby quiet'.  Perhaps she can use a blanket or cover? 

So no magic answers, and I guess we all continue to listen, hold out for inclusion of everyone.

I will continue to be with the children at the services and meals, and help out. I invite others to do the same - that will help everyone 'settle', I hope - worth a try!

Rabbi Jonathan will mention that we all have differing needs and attention spans in the group - acknowledge that there are issues and differing wishes.

Do you think there is anything else to do, apart from our continued patient listening? Do email or call me with your views /ideas. Three minds are better than one.

We have someone interested in learning more about Judaism and perhaps converting. What can we do?

The Union For Progressive Judaism, through its Progressive Judaism Victoria group (pjv.org.au) offers an on-line distance learning 'Introduction to Judaism' course which is hard work but excellent and comprehensive.  It can in appropriate cases be considered as the 'knowledge base' for continuing to Conversion, along with other requirements such as Hebrew reading ability, relationship with a (Sponsoring) Rabbi and congregation etc.  The course requires an accredited tutor - we have these available via PJV, or if you have a member of your community who has been doing this, or who you feel can be considered, please contact me at tutor1@pjv.org.au.  Clearly it is helpful to have a member who the student can see at services from time to time etc. and who can also extend some hospitality and mentoring to the student.

The specific page for the online course information is: http://pjv.org.au/education/introduction-judaism-course-online-course#overlay-context=education/introduction-judaism-course-online-course

There is a blog with Q and As which you should refer people to, at:
http://progressivejudaism.blogspot.com.au/

Rabbi Jonathan

What is the Jewish model for mourning?

THE JEWISH MOURNING PROCESS DIAGRAM

This diagram illustrates the Jewish mourning process.  The black cylinder represents the abyss of loss between the death and the funeral.

Returning from the funeral and lighting the shiva candle, which burns for a week, is the first small step away from the loss. The first week is the most intense and it is traditional to avoid regular concerns such as work, shopping etc.  Others should visit and look after the bereaved.

The next stage of mourning is the remainder of the shloshim, the first thirty days or month from the death.  This is a further step away from the first intensity of your loss.

The final formal stage is the remainder of the year, towards the end of which the stone is traditionally consecrated.  At the end of the first year, the yahrzeit candle is lit.

After this, you are of course not expected to forget or stop missing your loved one.  However it does mark the last step back into normal life, albeit a new normality with the memories of your loved one rather than their physical presence.  

Each year, lighting the yahrzeit candle brings the anniversary of their death, and the warmth and blessing of their life, back to mind for the family.

(C) Rabbi Jonathan Keren-Black

Bet Olam Jewish funerals, Melbourne, Australia 2012/5773

Please feel free to pass on or reproduce with attribution only

What liturgy to use for a funeral

Question:What liturgy should we use for a funeral?

RESPONSE:
The British Liberal Movement publish a very nice, hard-back book called 'Tzidduk Ha-din - Funeral Service and Service for the Consecration of a Memorial'.
It is appropriate, sensitive and clear - it is fully degendered, and is very reasonably priced. The only issue may be that, whilst it is in Hebrew (and the Mourner's Kaddish in the traditional Aramaic) and English, it does not include transliteration.  I suggest a community orders at least two copies (in Australia we don't usually give orders of service to the gathering at a funeral), probably for practical reasons.
The ‘Tzidduk Ha-Din’ Funeral Service from Liberal Judaism (UK) can be found at http://www.liberaljudaism.org/written-word-resources/shop.html.  If the website won't let you order it, contact their office direct: books@liberaljudaism.org.  

I think using a  book suits the dignity of the occasion, and A4-sized booklets, loose sheets and photocopies do not, especially since people will be standing around and see it, and the person leading the service may be struggling with the weather and without a reading desk.  A hard cover book can be held in one hand.

A practical suggestion for the eulogy.  Make sure the person's hebrew name is clearly at the top.  Fold the eulogy and insert in the right page (between page 16 and 17) and close page 15 on to it.  Slide it 1 cm out from the page at the top - and write the hebrew name along the exposed 1 cm as well.  This way, you will have the name visible when you need it on page 15 (if a man) or page 16 (if a woman).

Page numbers refer to this publication.


Question:What are the essential prayers that must be said?

RESPONSE:
I would say that the absolute minimum are:

1) 'El Maleh Rachamim' (page 15 or 16), 

2) the words at the top of page 18:
In humble submission to God's will (you'll need the full English name here)...

3) Adonai natan vadonai lakach... BUT I translate it as 'God has given, and NOW GOD HAS RECEIVED BACK; may God's name be praised'

4) May s/he come to her/his FINAL rest in peace

5) One of the readings on page 20

6) Kaddish on page 21 (Note that this version adds 'V'al kol bnai Adam - and to all humanity' to the last words of the kaddish).


However, I'd add one of the readings that is appropriate, p.4-8, and the opening prayer on page 9, and perhaps top of page 12, and perhaps top of page 13 (though don't say 'saying together' at the end of that paragraph since they won't be - say 'as we say'...

You could do 'Atah gibor, page 13, not least because it will be more familiar hebrew as it is in the T'filah - except watch out - it does not have the concluding blessing!

If you wish to do 'You are righteous' at the top of page 13, you could go straight from 'Even in our sorrow, we praise your name, saying Atah Gibor l'olam Adonai... (and miss out Baruch Dayan HaEmet - which is theologically problematic - we don't really believe that God judges us and takes our lives, which is the implication here!).

Psalm 23 or 121 are traditional funeral psalms - one or other could be used.


Question: When is the best time in the order of the service to deliver the Chesped (eulogy)?

RESPONSE
The Chesped fits well immediately after El Maleh Rachamim, before page 17.

 Question: If we are going to have the service in the chapel at the cemetery, what is a good point to stop for the procession to the graveside?

RESPONSE:
If you are going to move, then do that after the Chesped.  Psalm 23 on page 17 can be read as the coffin is accompanied to the grave, which is traditional, and much better than people chattering!

You can read at the bottom of page 17 as you are preparing to lower the coffin.
LOWER THE COFFIN whilst reading top of page 18 (or read it after lowered).

There is a logistical challenge at this point - if the weather is bad or there are few mourners, they won't get the grave filled - so when do you stop to say kaddish?

What I do is invite the family to commence the burial with the sand from Israel.  I tip some from the bag into each of their hands, and they throw it on. Having therefore commenced the burial, we then invite them to say the Mourners' Kaddish (and the gathering to 'support them' in saying it) - 

Then say the formula at the bottom of page 22 (this is a 'universal' version - the traditional one concludes with 'Av'lei Yerushalayim')

Then ask them to put the earth on the coffin, followed by everyone else who wishes to assist. I explain that the tradition is to put on three shovelfulls - and then to place the shovel back in the earth, where the next person can take it - our tradition is not to pass it directly to the next person.

As long as the coffin is covered, we can then reassure people that, once we move away, the staff will come to complete the burial.

After an appropriate time, it is important to gently move the family away from the graveside, particularly if they are very emotional. This is the beginning of moving away from the physical presence of their loved one and on into their new reality.

Question:  What is different if if it is  cremation?

RESPONSE: 
You don't put earth on the coffin!  Everything else is the same - push the button or otherwise arrange the curtain or whatever device is used at the top of page 18, where you would be lowering the coffin into the grave.  Again, at the conclusion, move the family out and away from the coffin as soon as comfortable.  As with burial, this is the beginning of moving away from the physical presence of their loved one and on into their new reality.