23 QUESTIONS TO PUT TO THE RABBI RE CONDUCTING PROGRESSIVE
FUNERAL SERVICES IN A CONGREGATION WITHOUT THEIR OWN RABBI
1.
Q: Which book do
you recommend?
2.
Q: How long is a
typical service?
A: I find the
service getting shorter and the eulogies longer! I would say a total of 30-40 minutes depending
on how long the eulogy is.
3.
Q: Can the
service be conducted any place appropriate the family request or are there
limitations on this? For example, what
if the family wants the funeral at the football ground of their favourite team? (Or ashes scattered there if cremation?) A: I would say only synagogue or funeral
chapel (if non-Jewish symbols are covered over or removed) or graveside.
4.
Q: Is the rending
of garments (or a ribbon) always done?
A: No – I
never do this, but if people ask, I explain about it and that they can if they
wish to – some colleagues apparently offer it if the families want. It symbolises renting of the heart on hearing
of the loss – so if it is not done at that point it loses it’s immediacy. Traditions of pinning a ribbon and cutting
that seem too remote from the original symbolism. But destroying clothing is also contrary to
the law of ‘Bal Tashkhit’ – do not destroy.
Maimoinides said even if someone wishes to be buried in their favourite
coat, they should not, since it is a waste of a garment that can be used by
someone else.
5. Q: Is this
always done before the start of the service?
A: If it is
done, it should be at some point before the service – if someone chooses it, I
would do it when I’m meeting with them, or tell them to do it right away. Again, waiting for the ceremony makes it seem
very artificial and distant to me. They
are upset enough at the funeral with the actual burial anyway, without this
extra ‘symbolism’ which also delays the proceedings.
6. Q: What if
there are no family members present?
A: Certainly
no point in rending in that case.
7. Q: Does
progressive practice worry about where the rending is done according to which
family member?
A: Not at all
except as described above.
8.
Q: What, if any,
limitations apply to the participation of non Jewish spouses and/or other non
Jewish members of the family? E.g. is rending of garments done for them?
A: If their
heart is equally torn, their clothing should be equally torn if they
choose. But the purpose of the funeral
traditions, apart from dealing respectfully with the deceased, is to assist and
support the bereaved through this painful time.
So in the case of a non-Jewish spouse or family, I suggest most is done
in English. They could lead ‘Psalm 23’ which
will be familiar to most people (but a degendered version appropriate to
Progressive Judaism – either the one in Tzidduk HaDin or else that found in
Mishkan T’filah World Union Edition (page 576, which starts ‘With God as my shepherd,
I shall not want’ ), if they wish to participate. It makes no sense for them to say kaddish (or
anything else that talks about the ‘God of Israel’).
9.
Q: At what point
in the service is the eulogy read?
A: I usually
do it after el maleh rachamim and just before the lowering, unless it is wet
and the grave is in danger of collapse, in which case I do that right at the
start of the proceedings.
10. Q: Is it OK
to read the eulogy at the minyan if the funeral service happens at the
graveside?
A: I would do
it at the graveside unless it is quite impossible (I do it under umbrellas etc)
but I might well repeat it at the minyan (especially if people could not hear
or were distracted by rain etc).
11.
Q: Is there a
limit to the number of people to speak as part of the eulogy?
A: Not
technically, but sensibly. I usually say
‘it is very difficult for family to speak at the graveside, so you give me the
background and information, and I’ll put it into a sort of chronological
biography’. I encourage the family to speak at the
minyan, which is already a step away from the graveside and the body of their
loved one. There, there is no pressure
of time – several people can speak – I suggest someone representing the
children, and, if appropriate someone representing the grandchildren – if they
are quite young, I suggest ‘they may like to write a poem or an acrostic about
grandpa’ etc. Sometimes a friend or
colleague wants to speak – again, with the agreement of the family, I’d say
they are speaking ‘representing the friends’ etc. This prevents it getting out of hand. But if there is time once the formal
reflections are concluded, I might point out how everyone knows a different
aspect of a person, and shares different experiences with them, so if anyone
else would like to share a thought or anecdote they are welcome to do so.
12.
Q: If the lay
leader is to read/prepare the eulogy, what are some tips for getting the right
information from the family?
A: I was
taught by Rabbi Hugo Gryn – z”l - to listen and record carefully not only the
words but the emotions, and when they have finished, to ask specifically for a
list of adjectives. I then put that
together - and it still takes me several hours.
13. Q: What if
there is no family?
A: Very
difficult. Perhaps there is a friend or
colleague who’d be prepared to speak or give some input. I once did a funeral where there was no
direct family and the solicitor spoke about the person quite movingly. If there is no-one there, there is little
point in doing a eulogy. Incidentally,
there are times when traditionally a eulogy is not given, mainly during the Omer
period (between Pesach and Shavuot).
Since the eulogy is important to the mourners and a mark of respect to
the deceased, I would simply acknowledge ‘Traditionally we don’t do a formal
eulogy during the Omer period, but I am
going to say a few words about XXXXXXX to honour him/her and to acknowledge his/her contribution, and the loss that his/her family and friends are experiencing’.
14.
Q: What is the policy
on inclusion of slides/non religious music/other?
A: I think
slides, videos etc are horrible and out of place at the funeral. They might be quite appropriate at the
minyan, or after it. Occasionally (eg
with an accomplished mountain trekker) I ask the family if they’d like to bring
some pictures and mementos for people to look at – this fills out the aspects
of a person that they may not have known about them. Some music that they enjoyed can be
appropriate in a chapel setting (eg in a crematorium), before the service
starts or even at the end. I wouldn’t
usually stop the service in the middle to play something, though in the case of
a four year old who loved Disney’s Aladdin, and about whom there were limited
achievements to speak, we played ‘A Whole New World’ during the service and it
was very moving and memorable.
15. Q: What is the
UPJ’s policy on funeral services being conducted jointly with a) non Jewish
clergy? b) funeral celebrants?
A: Very
tricky. I would say don’t do it – and if
the need arises, talk to me (or another Rabbi)!
Basically it either is a Jewish burial or it isn’t. If it is a celebrant or minister conducting a
non-denominational or Christian service, and a Jewish friend or relative wants
to say a few words, or read a prayer, that is a different situation.
16. Q: Is the
graveside service always immediately after the funeral?
A: The funeral
is usually the graveside service. I am
not aware of a burial happening ‘alone’ and then a service at the graveside
later. This would seem strange and
disrespectful, since the tradition is to accompany the deceased to their final
resting place (and to participate in the burial).
17. Q: How long is a
typical graveside service? What is
normally included in this service?
A: See above –
not sure what a graveside service is except a burial, unless you are referring
to the consecration? This usually
happens at the graveside about a year after the funeral, when the stone is in
place and the ground has settled, and family and friends gather to read the
stone, remember the person, and say some psalms and kaddish.
18. Q: Does the
family determine if there is to be a minyan as well as a funeral?
A: Yes, it
is up to the family.
19. Q: Is the
minyan always done on the evening of the funeral?
A: It should
be offered to mourners vas part of their mourning process. Traditionally it is done on that evening and
the subsequent five, except Friday night (when the bereaved is ‘allowed’ to
leave home to go to the synagogue service).
Theoretically the arrival of a festival cancels the remainder of the
week long ‘shiva’ process. However
within our movement, it is unusual to have more than one night, although
occasionally I suggest, if people want to have more than one, or if there are
two parts of the family that both want to hold a minyan, then the first night
and the sixth might be best – as the sixth marks the end of the first week, the
most intense period of mourning. This idea
seems to have worked well, and been usefully therapeutic as the family realises
they have already moved on during that week.
20. Q: What if
the burial is on Friday?
A: If the
burial is on Friday, then the minyan is NOT done that evening – it ‘should’ be
done on the first opportunity after Shabbat finishes, ie after dark on
Saturday, but often people put it off to Sunday evening.
21. Q: Is the
minyan always announced at the funeral?
A: It is usual
to announce the minyan at the end of the funeral – in fact I usually conclude
my eulogy with it, to make sure it is not forgotten and I have the details
written down, and then complete the service and remind people about it again.
22. Q: Although not a
normal Jewish funeral, if the family indicate that they/the deceased desire/d a
cremation, where and when is the service done that would normally be done at
the graveside?
A: I use
exactly the same liturgy/service. The
service is done in the chapel. The
committal is done where the coffin would normally be lowered into the grave. There is no graveside so no service is done
there. The consecration of a small stone
or rose bush etc is done once the family has received the ashes, up to about a
year after, so this is equivalent to the consecration of the gravestone.
23. Q: Would Progressive Judaism encourage
cremation?
A: The traditional reason not to cremate is because of a belief that the body
is built on the ‘luz’, probably the coccyx at the base of the spine, and if this
is destroyed, the body cannot be revived.
Since Progressive Judaism rejects any idea of physical resurrection –
and since in any case if God can do anything, that can include making a person
from nothing (or a seed!), we do not find that argument relevant or convincing. Our belief is that the soul returns to ‘the
shelter of God’s wing’. However, given
that cremation was used to dispose of millions of our people during the Holocaust
– and especially given that some of the leading incinerators today are built by
the German conglomerate Krups, who refined their efficiency on Jewish victims,
it may seem a stronger reason not to choose cremation (though some Holocaust
survivors do chose to be cremated, perhaps so that they end their days in the
way that family and friends did?).
There is one
other practical argument against cremation – it is environmentally unsound –
not only does it use a lot of fuel but it also produces CO2 and some pollution. Where available, a woodland cemetery is the
best solution for modern burial!
